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Sometime earlier in the year, I posted a notion I had about 2020, that it had amps, it had legs, it felt big— something like that. Little did I know how violently and swiftly the fulcrum of illusion would smash in a blast that animated masses, in my lifetime, yet alone this year. Big, amps, legs— indeed. Open sesame, indeed.


We have been told to prepare for this moment. Some are more ready. And that is a Grace. But whether or not you feel ready, I promise you have the power and aptitude to hold your life and heart up in this moment.


As a species we have normalized unnecessary violence to a degree that can no longer sustain the growth and ascension of our hearts and consciousness. Expanding out of the illusion is both the beginning of true freedom and with the same hand— it is guttural pain, shrill ululations and death daggers pinning our fake-tamed skin to mirrors of appalling, deafening truth.


Look. See. Integrate. Pivot.


Material form will always shift to meet the vibrational consensus of the collective. Material follows the energetic. It is law. Destruction and expansion are cousins.


If we are strong enough to initiate the expansion, we are true enough to hold it down through the destruction.


We now have to destroy fatal perceptions that have existed far too long. We see dominance and corruption reign from childhood. The images, lies, news, hidden dysfunction, the evil said, the evil left unsaid, discursive and disconnected behaviors and events that in no way seem to fit the seat of the soul we know as children of God.


There is a foundation we all have in our base that is unseen and unmet most of our lives. An untapped well. For most people, what we experience externally in this world is at odds with the bounty, harmony and vibration of this divine, internal well.


We are conditioned to live outward facing lives and to follow authority - instead of looking to our internal compass and divine fountain for guidance and life force. That is a mental program. It is how our minds are entrained from childhood.


We are not taught to turn inward to query for truth. We are not taught that our voices mean anything or that we have the autonomy to discern for ourselves.


The divine fountain does not and will not atrophy, but our humanness certainly does as we grow more distance from from this internal guidance and healing system through age.


So, we witness chronic dysfunction, and part of us knows. We have known deep down that things are very off.


Things are off. Things are off. Something is wrong. Many things are wrong. Too many to count. We feel/sense/know so much as little children and much of the time WITHOUT NARRATIVE. Fragmented snippets of knowings that don’t make sense in the linear thought we are instructed to entertain.


Be a good girl. Take your pill. Be a good girl. Shut up. Be a good boy. Don’t cry. Be strong. Get money. Don’t look at that. Don’t do that. You don’t matter. What appears matters. Distract. Distract. Get addicted. Shop. Rape. Molest. Murder. Genocide. Toxic food. Air. Water. It’s all normal. Keep eating it. Destroy anything different from you. Dissension is death. We are taught in school to celebrate genocide with a holiday. HA! Buy everything. Buy things that kill the environment, your health, sense of being and then come back to us when you are sick and crazy — don’t worry little boys and girls, we’ve got something for that too.

















No help.



Pretend, or live on the fringe of society.


Folks may look bright and shiny with degrees and jobs, but inside many are infinitely army crawling on a futile survival loop, pretending it is normal.


We pretend it’s all okay.


We pretend we don’t know why we are anxious.


We pretend we don’t know why we are sick.


Damn, I read an article in the Atlantic a while ago about suicide in teens and children. I almost hit a wall and started fuming that an actual MD, a psychiatrist, had the gall to say she had no idea why suicide rates are alarmingly high in the last decade or so.


No idea.


I’m not a doctor. I’m no one special. I have no pretty degrees or certifications or anything on paper that would cause anyone who doesn't know me to listen to what I have to say. I claim no expertise... But how can any self aware human, much less a doctor, have zero fucking idea what could possibly be wrong with the ocean in which we all swim? We do not exist in conditions that support individual and collective humanness, health, grace or stability. Disruption of the heart, mind, body and spirit is absolutely systematic.


Absymall obliviousness.



We are Indoctrinated to NOT SEE. In so many ways. 


And yes, that includes racism.


The will of those in power to dominate and indoctrinate others to perceptions that benefit just a few, in order to control and mitigate behavior en masse, is an old tactic and has been used to suppress for thousands of years.


We have recently seen global attention placed on the Me Too movement, the absolute degradation of the earth and animals in the green and sustainability movements, and the suppression and continuous torture, slavery and murder of an entire race of regal, divinely powerful, black skinned people with a caliber unlike any European imperialists had ever seen when the white men first ventured to Africa in the 1800s.


Humans have a tendency to destroy what they don’t understand. To fear what they do not know.


The cunning know that the only way to really dominate large groups of people is psychologically. The mind is the most powerful weapon.


We have been witnessing evil in various forms, whether the programming is covert or overt, since childhood.


And yet, a survival tactic for children is to disassociate, suppress and compartmentalize trauma, suffering and pain in order to survive.


It is easier to make ourselves wrong than assume our world is. Much easier.


As small children, and often even before we can speak (as in parental programming is pre-verbal) when we sense/see danger, wrong doing, or ill will - our psyches do something interesting. We decide that, our parents/caregiver/authority figures must be correct since they represent God, the entire universe. So our innate knowing must be bad.


We shame ourselves and suppress inner knowing, in order to be seen, accepted or belong. If our parental figures are wrong, then the entire universe must be doomed. Taking on this notion would cause a psychotic break for a young child. The mind rewires itself to survive and will adjust mental processes and the psyche’s relationship with external conditions to make sense of the dysfunction in front of them.


And we have evolved to belong to a group.


We are wired to be accepted by the group for survival and wired to distort internal truths for the sake of the cohesive whole.


And we are all born into racist constructs.


Not only must we heal ourselves, but our collective understandings that create systems holding us back.


This is the point. Global healing starts with the individual. We must all awaken to a deeper understanding of where we have been blind to lethal dangers of societal norms.


The liberating part is that we don’t have to pretend anymore that our systems are working. We don’t have to keep up the illusions. We can drop the facade.



What We Are Taught Non-Verbally:


We don’t have power.

Our voices don’t really matter.

Keep your head down.

Stay with the herd.

Ignore the wrongdoing you see.

Do what you are told.

Hide your shame.

Life is hard.

You're lucky to be alive.

Get in line.


None of us can suppress or ignore the wrong doing, the harm and the sickness of our society, any longer. There is no more tolerance. We have to free our minds from indoctrination. It is up to us. 


From what I experience, this place, earth, right here— is hell. And we are the ones who created it - not God.



When humans distance themselves from the Creator, we are in hell. We have created hell on earth by forgetting we are children of God.


Earth is a wondrous place. Untouched and untainted by the malevolence of the human hand, we live in Eden. And we disrespect it.


We disrespect the divine.

We disrespect the feminine.

We disrespect the Earth.

We disrespect Black and Brown people.

We create hell.


But just because we see something, doesn’t mean we have to take it on as our personal truth or the truth of our future.


I have never been one to believe that justice necessarily reigns, that the government gives a fuck about us, that medicine and doctors are gods, that educators know the truth or that all is well. I have seen a vacuous and defunct system, flimsy and insidious in its gripping hold on an individual's humanity. Nothing has been well, ever. It never has.


I have so much more to learn about what anti-racist behavior actually looks like and what my role will be in this impactful moment. I can do better.  


I have chosen not to write as much this year, or post as much, or market my work. I have been in a pivot and the most important personal transformation of my life. I had initial semblances that the way I was trying help was a couple of degrees off for where I am now in my growth. And now I fully understand there is more work to do, better ways to help, to support communities. 


I certainly don't have all the answers. But I invite them and actively seek them. 


No one person can fully be free from terror unless we all are. The part and the whole are one. 


It’s how healing works in the micro.


You can’t fully heal while ignoring the shadow, the old trauma, and pretend it didn’t happen. Doesn’t fucking work. You end up bypassing the real-deal, messy uncomfortable work. The same is true with the collective.


Mystical teaching across the board conveys that NO ONE ASCENDS UNLESS WE ALL DO. No one gets to move on. Until we all do. That’s why we teach. That's why we support. That’s why we heal and help and serve. No one gets a hall pass.


One man is dead on the ground, we all are. One child loses her father, we all do.


We are all from the same Source. We must all work to change things.


Keep reaching back a hand, and help those on the ground.


The answer is that the system needs healing. People born with privilege can change systems from the inside out. If we have power we can use it.


The laws and governments must change or dismantle.


School systems must be redesigned.


We ALL need clean air.


We ALL need clean water.


We ALL need safety, shelter.


We ALL need clean food.


We can’t keep throwing heavy metals and chem trails on everyone. We are sick. We are so sick.


We cannot marginalize groups of people and relegate them to living in the absolute worst conditions, next to industrial plants and nuclear waste in highly toxic and polluted areas. 


Greed is in power.


We need conscious people controlling the narrative and telling the stories. Educating our children. And deciding who the fuck gets seed money.



We are indoctrinated to not see, and to not speak. When humans are fighting for their lives, or in survival mode, it is unlikely that they will have the bandwidth to look at other people's problems.


Which is why poverty breeds MORE lack of awareness.


People are easily threatened, but we are stronger than our own defense mechanisms.


White people must engage this conversation no matter how uncomfortable and difficult. Growth isn’t easy. I am still learning. And I am listening. I have taken a step back this year, specifically to listen. And I want to do better. 


Learning anything worth while usually does not come easy. Darkness has historically been my greatest teacher (though that has changed at this stage in my incarnation), and we really know nothing of light, until we master darkness through alchemy. This is the work of the initiate. To sit in the discomfort. To face the pain. To let it move through your body, nervous system, subconscious, dreams, heart. Let it change you. Let it put you in awe. Stay with it. Stay with it. Eventually the origin point is revealed. Eventually you can flip the polarity. Eventually darkness dismantles itself through your awareness and releases its grip on your body and consciousness.


We have to feel it to heal it.


We have to acknowledge it to accept it.


We have to accept it before we can change it.


We have to change before we can truly be free.


Contradiction is a creative force. We are so impatient, fearing the uncomfortable, especially in the west, that instead of waiting to see where the polarity of contradiction meets in the belonging the soul, we run away after five minutes. Find more booze, more work, more distraction, more sex, more boredom, more drugs, whatever— to avoid.


There is no freedom without the freedom of our brothers and sisters and all life on this planet.


I went mute as a kid. I was so shut down. I would disassociate and drift away waking to an entire class and teacher staring at me. I would write things down for teachers or best friends when I couldn’t speak. To learn to use my voice took an insane amount of courage, I could cry.


And when I did-- the sad part is that I did not understand how I could use my voice with more impact when I started to learn that I had one. And I apologize.  


It is my hope that the Black community and POC in their cries for justice act as teachers to us all to use our voices. May this moment herald a new era of racial healing, justice, education and equality. And it is! I truly believe that.


 When we understanding racism is an entire system that governs our lives from the moment we are born, it is easier to be less defensive if you are a white individual.



“A fundamental but very challenging part of my work is moving white people from an individual understanding of racism—i.e. only some people are racist and those people are bad—to a structural understanding. A structural understanding recognizes racism as a default system that institutionalizes an unequal distribution of resources and power between white people and people of color. This system is historic, taken for granted, deeply embedded, and it works to the benefit of whites.” - DR. ROBIN DIANGELO


Not seeing it is like the fish who cannot understand what water is.


In solidarity I stand with the Black community. I will continue to educate myself and listen. I know I can do better, and I am sorry I haven't done as much as I could in the past. 


Onward, friends...



Big Love, 



























RADICAL DHARMA BY angel Kyodo Williams (Author), Lama Rod Owens  (Author), Jasmine Syedullah (Author) 























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