Oh Lord, here we go...I have a good female friend who said to me the other day, “I will not date again until there is a social revolution.” I had a male house guest this weekend, a rocket scientist in fact, literally… a rocket scientist, who cannot figure out what is going on in the dating scene. It’s so fascinating how the issue of relationships and dating in the world of hook-up culture is an issue for so many people.
To be a Brooklyn healer working in energy medicine, holistic health issues often open a doorway to how people cope with everyday life in the modern world. And dating, is a thing. It’s a hot topic on the crystal light bed. In my experience working with clients one on one, there seems to be a vast gap in the difference between what is actually appearing in my clients' romantic landscape, and the deeper yearnings of the soul that create a relative amount of concern that leads to a distracting, nagging suffering.
Relationships are so important in discovering who we are and where we are in our own personal evolution, and yet there is absolutely a consensus that the world is changing, and what have become common practices in dating seem to be, well, sad, to a lot of people. If one is simply looking at mass, at norm, we have evolved into a culture of instant gratification, inebriation, dehumanization in online dating sites that make dough off of your compulsions. There is a lack of communication skills, honesty and integrity, and it’s much easier to be irresponsible with another humans emotions when they are just a picture on a screen.
Oh it’s beneath us to compromise, and everyone sleeps around, a lot. And hey, there is always someone better that might be out there. The thrill of the new and shiny replaces delving into depth. Our parents’ version of love wasn’t so great, and it may seem that instead of evolving our sense of interdependence in partnership, we have completely backed off of it and date for the sake of some petty thrill that serves as a momentary placeholder for connection.
Okay, yes. I hear this story. I get it. I acknowledge it, but I don’t buy it. Not in my world, at least. And that right there, is a choice. At the end of the day, it all comes down to vibrational alignment. If you choose this story as the way the world simply is, and yet have resistance to the game itself, you have already succumbed to your defeat. You have enslaved yourself and are energetically vibrating pain from that place of resistance. People don’t realize that they are always attracting partners. If you are attracting wrong partners, be aware that it is hidden, unloved parts of yourself that is doing the attracting, and you will continue to attract partners in this vein until the lesson is learned, and new choices are made.
Action steps are one way to communicate to the universe what you are willing to accept. Inner peace must come first. Vibrational alignment with the highest version of what you want from a partner, must come first. Is there is a part of you that feels you have to lower yourself to a game you don’t want to play, in order to feel a sense of connection? Then from an energetic perspective, your vibration is out of alignment.
My sisters would read the first paragraph and be floored at what I am talking about. In fact, they are simply aghast at what my friends and I describe as commonplace. Granted, they do not engage in social media, have had long time boyfriends, do not pay attention to pop culture, and are introverts in their own worlds. And that is exactly my point. Essentially, they are creating their own worlds with much less cultural programming than the masses. People don’t realize how external imprints affect our belief system; from parents, religion, culture, peers, institutions and the media. But the fact of the matter is, we get to choose our own truth, our worth, and what is acceptable and joyful to us. We have that power.
If you are one of the many disillusioned by modern dating, then simply don’t put energy and time into engaging with it in the way you have before. In doing so you continue to give your precious, perfect energy to something that doesn’t give you the same return on your energetic investment. Sound familiar? Is there a similar pattern with the people you date? It honestly comes down to something so simple: attitude adjustment. Don't enter the arena until you are clear on what you want and what you are willing to accept. Pretend you live in another world and dance in it. Envision it all exactly how you would like to. Stand in it. Call it in. Who cares! Make your own awesome little reality of how the world works, the type of person you want to date and how they will treat you. Have higher expectations with no fucks given about what everyone else does in order to feel close to something. And once you do create that new truth, and it feels good in your body to believe it… Roll with it. There is a great quote by Jiddu Krishnamurti that says, “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” Listen, if you want to keep drinking the Kool-Aid, don’t bitch about the flavor.
When we fully align with a truth that is honest and in integrity with who we are, we create clarity. We vibrate truth. We feel our own love. With that clarity comes freedom. And it feels really good. If pop culture’s dating story doesn’t feel good to you…ditch it. Be the rebel. It’s all so simple. Does it give you joy or not? Some might say, Kalisa… you want us to just ignore a fact of life like it’s not real. I hate this world of dating. It's so frustrating, but it's all there is. You want me to just leave it? And to that I would say, yes. Exactly! Because where you place your awareness and attention, whether positive or negative is exactly what you will call into your physical reality.
Deciding that what’s happening en mass is not life enhancing for your unique journey, is no new thing. Humans have been facing this struggle of deviating from the norm, since the dawn of time in different forms. It’s about standing in one’s own truth. In standing up for one’s self. And there is a lesson in all of this dating nonsense: when you know what you don’t want, you automatically know what you do want because every idea and particle of life has an equal and opposite form. We live in world where we get to grow and evolve through contrast. This is basic Law of Attraction. And this law governs our universe. Don’t like something? Then focus on its opposite until you are vibrating with it and attracting it into your reality.
If you keep focusing on the struggle of modern dating, addicted to the pain, suffering and victimhood, then you are the hamster and the conductor of your own wheel. It is strong and wise to place our focused awareness on what we actually want from relationships and life. With that clarity it becomes so much easier to keep on steppin', and in that process become very strong as an individual before aligning with another. And guess what? It’s okay to be alone. In fact it’s awesome! If you can’t handle being alone, there are still unloved parts of your being that require your attention.
No one get’s to skate past their own bullshit. That’s why we are here: to grow and expand, to look deeply at ourselves. Perhaps it would be wise to become intimate with yourself first before jumping onto the first available mate. Maybe people have backed off from getting close to one another for a really good reason that we don’t yet fully understand as a society. But at the end of the day, what’s happening “out there” just doesn’t matter. It’s all about what’s “in here” first. We get to create our own worlds.
I would invite you to empower yourself to date, or not date, in a way that feels safe, fun and expansive. I invite you to look at relationships as a growth opportunity, versus a band-aid to make you feel better or a petty game you have to play to fit into a weird, societal mold. I would invite you to learn how to create that feeling of a lover's infatuation, on your own through alignment with source energy. I promise you it is possible. Maybe you don’t need a partner at all. Maybe celibacy feels right. Maybe you love hook-up culture, freedom and ease. And that is in perfect alignment with who and where you are in this moment in your growth. And that is wonderful! Vibe whatever is right for you, and vibe it hard. Because there is nothing more confusing and less attractive than not knowing what you want or how to get it. My point is, there are entirely too many individual preferences for one way to be best. Your soul may not yearn to grow where norms are headed.
Do what you need to do for your inner world to rest at peace within this strange dating framework. Write your new story. We need stronger, more self assured millennials who know who they are and what they want. Change the scene. You da boss!