Different breeds need to play by different rules. If the love game has you down, it might be time to look a little deeper at what you’re attracting, why you’re attracting it and what you are tolerating. The standards you set for yourself help to set the standards for all women, all over the world. It is your duty and moral obligation to treat yourself with immense respect at this time on planet Earth. A great way to evaluate how loving you are with yourself is to treat your dating life as a spiritual practice.
I come across many sensitive, empathic, visionary females that are sick and tired of always being the leader and either find themselves lonely from not finding the right kinds of partners or exhaust themselves by dating the wrong ones. Often, they see the other person’s light, potential and goodness, and they don’t acknowledge the red flag behavior that comes with it. My advice is to stop being the empathic, energy queen when it comes to your dating life and start being a behaviorist with common sense.
11 TIPS FOR SINGLE UNICORNS:
1. IF YOU ARE SINGLE, IT’S TIME TO GROW AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND GET COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE
If you hate being alone, it means you do not love yourself. Period. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop freaking out about being single and use this time to sink deeper into self-love and self-worth (and yes, my alpha female friends… letting go of control issues). Some people seem to be totally whip trained into believing that partnership is salvation. And somehow single means failure, loneliness, doom, loss, depression, etc. Whenever I hear this in sessions it makes my skin crawl. STOP. IT. Have you been jumping from one relationship to another without space to get to know yourself? Have you ever been on your own for at least a full year as full-grown ass woman? Have you done so without using drugs, alcohol, constant distractions, work, business or casual sex as a filler? Have you done it happily? With abundance? In health? Take a beat. And get to know yourself. You have a family life, social life, work life, financial life, spiritual life and still need time for self-care. There is growth through individuation and growth through partnership. We learn more about perfect love and about ourselves through both. Please start to look at being single as an incredible growth opportunity. The more inner work you do, the higher you fly. The higher you fly, the more likely you are to attract a high-vibe partner.
2. BEING “NEEDY” ATTRACTS VAMPIRES
What do I always say? Energy speaks for you before you open your mouth. If you have deep seated insecurities that you are avoiding, they will make themselves known in relationships. Insecure people can be needy. Needy people have a tendency to make decisions based on their inner wounds instead of plain ole’ common sense. Energy vampires thrive off of pain and drama. They are selfish. They trigger your wounds without giving a fuck and then ghost you until you apologize, or they’ll throw some gas and a lit match on the pain and revel in it. Empaths and light workers who have unhealed wounds are the perfect food for narcissists or those who are immature, energy vampires or selfish, because they have light but give it away for free. They have enough unhealed pain for a vampire to feed on for a good chunk of time. The offending party usually has a contract to trigger your wound over and over again until you look at it and take action. The partner may change. The dynamic may change. But without the deeper healing, the same wounds will always show up. Honor your energy by honoring your boundaries. If it doesn’t come naturally, it ain’t it. Let it go. And work on deeper self-worth. Energy vampires subconsciously look for wounded people so make sure to handle your own pain. Like attracts like. It is law.
3. IF YOU ARE TIRED AFTER SPENDING TIME WITH THE OTHER PERSON, IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE
Ever wonder if the person you are dating is an energy vampire? It is very simple. How do you feel after spending time with them? If you are depleted, need recovery time, feel bad about yourself, you notice your body contracts or if there is a part of you that is uncomfortable around them and it happens fairly consistently — you are dating someone who is feeding off your energy. Don’t get mad. They likely won’t know they are doing it. Just end it when you see the pattern.
4. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO SAVE, HEAL OR RESCUE EVERYBODY ELSE
People who have a pattern of dating people that need saving are usually avoiding themselves. This happens in romantic relationships as well as platonic ones. I often work with budding light beings newly on the path, or ones who are not yet aware of their power. The “healer” deal is, you heal yourself - then you act as a source of light to others. If you have a tendency to distract yourself with other people’s problems, stop and ask yourself why. If you tend to date broken people and try to help them over and over and over, stop, and recognize that you have a healing light that is being misdirected into your personal relationships instead of your world contribution. Where does their wound mirror something inside you? What is the lesson on your end?
5. “WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.” -Maya Angelou
If you see a red flag, act on it. Don’t keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. People will show you who they are immediately. If you keep making up excuses for the other person, it’s the wrong one. If you start dating someone and they cross a line with you early on, and you don’t hold up a boundary, conversation or consequence, they will do it again. And again. Don’t ignore the red flags. Don’t ignore the red flags. Don’t ignore the red flags. They’re called red flags for a reason. You are wasting your time and theirs when you ignore what is clearly a sign from the universe warning you to keep on steppin’.
6. NEVER CHASE A NO
It’s just indignifying. You are royal. You are high and mighty. You are Kings and Queens. The one who is going to be by your side for the long haul is not going to go out with you a few times, be intimate, and then say, “Nah…” If it’s a NO, it’s a NO. Be the flame not the moth. All you really have to do is tend to your own flame. When you chase, your flame dies. You are giving your precious energy to rejection. When you keep chasing the ones who tell you NO, but then come back and forth to what I like to call, “the back-pocket lover,” well, you are telling them that you are totally cool being on the back burner, and you will take any little piece of acknowledgement you can get because your father or mother didn’t give it to you as a child. When you are chasing a NO, your insecurity or wounded inner child is driving the boat. I don’t care how powerful the karmic-soul connection is. I’ve had plenty. All types. It doesn’t mean it’s the one if they reject you or do not treat you as royalty. If it’s a NO, walk away.
7. FAMILY PATTERNING WILL USUALLY TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH DYSFUNCTION
I’ve been talking about healing your inner child throughout this entire post. The reason it is imperative is because we attract what is familiar, not necessarily what is good for us. We find comforting that which is familiar. But, if you grew up around dysfunction, unhealthy relationships, chaos, low self-esteem, unhealthy boundaries, drama, addiction or poor communication—guess what, unless you do a hell of a lot of work on yourself with the appropriate practitioner and support system, you will likely attract something familiar. If you need help working through past pain, check out my Healing Inner Child Wounds meditation practice or book a remote energy session so we can work through it. Your wounds will speak loudly until they are seen, heard, balanced, processed, and you are able to identify unhealthy relationship patterns and stand up for yourself early on. You change the pattern when your behavior follows with your inner healing. Don’t let wounds dictate your relationship patterns. Allow your higher self and open heart do that for you.
8. USE DATING AS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
This is when you really get to test yourself. Do you have healthy boundaries? Do you communicate with compassion, neutrality and firmness? Can you speak clearly and directly without giving offense or being offended? Can you be strong and playful at the same time? What are the standards for yourself? What kind of relationship do you want right now? Do you allow yourself to be a doormat? Are you looking for superficial qualities to identify the right partner? Looking at how you operate in dating and relationships when it comes to your body and your heart can indicate quite a lot.
9. BE OPEN, PLAYFUL, AND DROP THE CONTROL ENERGY
Do you have a tendency to isolate? Do you put up walls? Are you on the other end of the spectrum to where your standards are so high it’s a form of spiritual bypass so you don’t have to get close to anyone? Do you get nervous around people or potential partners? Do you take things too seriously? Do you guard your alone time too much? If you answered yes to any of this, you might have guards around the heart and be overly controlling about protecting it. If the heart is not open for business, nothing is getting in. If you have a difficult or traumatic past romantically, it is extremely common for the heart to go into retreat mode even when the mind has decided it would be appropriate to date. The more open and playful you are the more you allow good people in. Allowing good people in is a healthy pattern to start, even if you don’t meet “the one” immediately. Be open to new allies, new connections. You have nothing to fear and there is no way you’re going to get hurt if you follow bullet points 1-8. If you adhere to these policies, it means you are empowered by the trust you’ve cultivated within yourself. You trust yourself to disengage with someone who does not treat you with respect. You simply wouldn’t tolerate it. When you trust yourself to be your own warrior, it’s a lot easier for that playful, sensual side to come out. Life is short. Be the badass you’ve always sought in a partner and let your silliness, laughter, joy and sensuality come out in your dating life. That’s the whole point!
10. S.E.X = Sacred Energy Exchange
Your body is your temple. It is a temple. And it’s yours. Do with it what you will. But understand that when you are intimate with someone, your fields unite and you will share energies. I personally would not want to be intimate with a sex addict who likes to do cocaine, because I know exactly what is in that energy field and want nothing to do with it. I know what I will have to clear, and it will just cause extra work for me. That’s just a dramatic example to explain what you take on when you open your body and heart to someone. The physical, the heart, mind and soul are one. You are never, “just sleeping with someone.” Even if it’s casual, you will be sharing energies. So, even if you decide to take on a temporary lover, which can be absolutely healing in the right context — choose one who handles themselves with maturity, love, and self- honoring behavior. Whether you are casually involved or ready for marriage, sex is a sacred energy exchange.
Just trust. If you trust in something greater, the heart opens, and control energy dissipates. Control energy stems from fear, perfectionism and lack of trust. If you trust that whoever comes into your life holds lessons and learning for you, there is no wrong turn. If you trust your divine partner will make him or herself known at the appropriate time, there is no neediness. If you trust yourself to stand up for yourself as your own knight in shining armor, there is no worry. Deep trust and deep love are the pathways to divine partnership. May you know these virtues intimately.
And in case any of you are wondering. Yes. I’ve been there. In toxic partnerships. Healing sexual trauma. The broke, single-mother, empath dating the narcissist, addict, person with anger issues, man child or all of the above. Re-programming my brain from fucked up family patterning and low self-esteem. I was fairly single for seven years off and on, dating karmic lovers of all sorts, both light and dark, blissful and complex. I have known everlasting love in the wrong person. Deep love with the right person at the wrong time. I watched, collected data and learned. I had complex relationships and really simple ones. I’ve dated when I’ve had no time, and too much time. Broke and with cash. Healed and unhealed. Weak and strong. With hope and with frustration. Belief and disbelief. Knowing my partner was out there while also not giving a fuck where he was.
He came when it was time. He came when I was ready. He came when I said no to my past and yes to the unknown future. He came when I had done so much inner work there was no way I could learn any more on my own. He came when my lower self gave up and my higher self held strong. I was given visions. I was told to look to Spirit for the template I wanted in a partner, not Earth. He came when I was brave enough to be vulnerable and admit (even if only in secret prayers) that I needed love, and I couldn’t keep doing this on my own. I thought I was in too deep with the mystical game to find a partner on this planet. It can certainly set you apart, you see.
He showed up and never faltered. Not a word, action or behavior misaligned. He came to show magic and what being a King truly means. He came and showed me my shadow. He stayed when I tried to push him away. The one who knows your soul will not leave or treat you like you are dispensable. It will be clear. But you have to make space for the other person. If you are still engaging with fuck-wits, you aren’t ready. If you’re still guarded, you aren’t ready. If you are still controlling every little detail of your life. You aren’t ready. Make space for your future. Your partner is out there, waiting for your becoming.