I evolve constantly. I am sure you to too. But it isn’t necessarily a conscious decision for me. It’s as if I am always processing, taking in data, allowing myself to move with the unfolding current, and then bursting through a glass layer with new understandings. Conscious evolution is vibrating expansion, with or without my willingness or consent. Conscious evolution is beyond intellect or even full cognitive understanding. I am always opening and unfolding within myself. And considering world pressures, an up-leveled embodiment of surrender is arguably required to vibrate with an essence of peace and grace in this time. I read something that caused a remembrance a few weeks ago. I already knew this concept intellectually. I practice it off and on emotionally. But somehow it stuck in my blood, resonating in a different way until I cracked.
The most attractive vibration of allowance, ripe for manifestation, is a state of consciousness that transcends bodily concerns.
I kept with that idea, and after some personal conflicts and shifts, business transitions, loved ones coming and leaving, physical and energetic exhaustion, and with enough financial pressure around me to instill fear— I burst through and died up, without trying. Poof. This happens often enough, but so far, this new state of flow has stayed with me without ebbing. I prefer not to speak, or move too much right now. I am with myself and I am with Spirit. I am listening. I am not thinking. I am not planning. I intend and I daydream. I visualize and speak thoughtful words unto myself in the mornings, evenings and throughout the day. But I move slow. I take days one at a time, moments one at a time. It’s like healing from years of, to put it simply, a really long and hard period of my life. It is healing through silence, stillness, and non-desire. It is in the quiet spaces that I remember who I am. Again, those moments come and they go, weeks or moments. But this surrender feels phoenix like.
This is human life. Inherent in human life is contrast. There is a time for hustling. There is a time for sitting back. There is a time to concept, and a time to implement. I wouldn’t be writing you here, if I hadn’t hustled, or had enough energy to move through walls and work multiple jobs, ask the hard questions, be brave, take the higher road, and all that jazz. But right now, something special is happening. My hands are in the air with a white flag as I stare at the beauty, richness and strangeness of my life like a mermaid looking through water up at the sun, laughing and tearing up at the same time. To raise that flag feels so good, and like dying at the same time. Dying, is good for you, don't you know? I know well, those moments of death-surrender. They echo in my mind. I can stare at them, looking at a picture of a moment in time with a bird eye view. They were dark moments. They were important moments. They signified new chapters of existence.
There is nothing dark now, in my personal world. But, I am just raising my hands higher, letting go deeper. With my hands up, I see the world differently. And I am looking at God everywhere, in everyone I meet, in everything I see, like light shinning through form so that I remember who I am always, despite circumstance, story, other people’s behavior, my bank account, the roles I play, the jobs I have, who likes me or doesn’t like me, who understands me or not, what I am doing “right”, what I am doing “wrong”, status, or anything else the ego uses to define itself.
My cells are changing. I knew something was happening because I can feel the energy of my cells and DNA releasing. Any of you who know me or what little bits of story I’ve expressed here and there, know that I am not here for any superficial reason. When I was 22 years old, I had been studying deeply, and had a nightly meditation practice that took me hours into spirit realms. By this time I had met my spirit guides and was in consistent communication with them, I had left my body and knew absolutely that we are spirit beyond physical. This was a time where I jumped into my ability head first. It was like finding myself. But I did not have the mastery yet to handle ability with responsibility, but I was learning. There was one moment, about an hour and 15 minutes into meditation when I was in the process of activating my light body and healing “sub-personalities” from my past. I remember sitting still with my hands held up in a mudra, when kundalini light energy powerfully un-coiled from root to heart. My vision turned golden, like there was light coming out of my heart and eyes. I looked around and the physical world faded as if was a dream. The chair in the corner was cloud-like and ethereal. I could see the desk, the walls, the bed, the closet, but they were in between solid and gaseous states of matter and covered by a golden light substance that filled the room. I could feel energy moving out of my palms. It came up through my heart. I burst into tears on my knees in absolute awe of what life really is. It was beautiful and transcendent. I will never forget dropping to the ground in that moment with the golden light. Gazing up towards the skies I said, “Okay, okay. I am yours. I am committed. You have my life. I see. My breath is in your service. My hands are in your service. There is work to be done. I am yours, on my knees. I understand.” Prior to that moment, about a year before, an ascended master came to me in a trance, with an assignment. Though it was one of the most powerful moments of my life, It was hard for me to take in the time. I was scared to tell anyone. And I was more of an agnostic/aethist when it happened. But the experience of golden light solidified my contract and commitment.
I follow the pulse of light wherever that may take me. It pulsed me here. And let’s just say it took some maneuvering in the physical world. I tried very hard to keep up with that pulse, while making sure needs were met for my child and I, and staying true to the work. It’s been at times physically & emotionally exhausting, at times taking a toll. But, maybe it’s a good toll-taking. You see, inherent in the art of becoming-- is spiritual initiation. My soul wanted initiation. And now, it is my time for rest and peace.
My surrender is looking around as I speak to my higher self and Spirit and saying, okay, I’ve done everything I possibly could, with every ounce of energy and intent. Your turn. Thank you for taking the reigns. Thank you for bringing me to my knees. Thank you for showing me what humility is. Thank you for giving me the energy and gusto to do what I’ve done. And thank you, dear God, thank you, for tapping me out. I have realized, that this space is deep, deep surrender. It is deep, knowing, femininity. It is healing me, for however long it lasts.
No longer can I tolerate working through states of hunger, thirst, or fatigue. When my body says no, it is done. It is okay, when things are undone.
No more pushing.
No more wondering if I am good enough, or the work is good enough.
No more trying to make meaning. No more questions.
No more wondering what’s going to happen, where the security is, or what home really looks like for Helena and I. The answer is I don’t know, and I don’t care, because these are questions related to physical form. I know that real security is spiritual. It is golden light. It is God. When I stay there, answers come.
No longer can I rush. It seems to hurt my soul. Nature does not rush.
There is no more trying. There is only vibrating. There is only attracting.
I could die tomorrow and be at peace. That's an incredible feeling.
And though I have made so many mistakes, there is acceptance and great pride. For I can say, with full confidence, that when I look back at my life I have done everything I possibly could, with all of my being. I have given my all. That knowing, allows me deep rest. Soul rest.
The past several months in my personal life there was mounting pressure stemming from belief in the world of form. And then one day, I let go. I just, stopped. My soul just said, okay-- no more ascribing to this. My soul said, yes, I see all these things that cause worry, and I don't care because it is un-reality.
May you remember a few things in times of stress, clinching to an idea, when desire verges desperation, when you are physically ill without knowing why, feeling abandoned or lonely, or perceiving yourself as without support or love, when pressure dominates, please remember this:
1. Everything you see around you is illusion. Light is the real substance of the world.
2. Everyone that comes to you is teaching you a lesson of some kind. There is learning in everything. The other person is always a mirror.
3. Only the ego believes in lack. Lack is false. Suffering is false. No matter how real you think lack is, it is not.
4. Consider what will flash through your mind on your deathbed. Those are the things that warrant your attention here and now.
5. Nature is what brings you back to self, spirit, and the laws of the universe.
6. It’s okay to outgrow situations, change your mind, and walk through another door. Every next level of your life will require an evolved you. Context and external worlds of form change.
7. Your raw, quiet essence, nameless and wordless, vast and unique, is the light of the world. The world is noisy and people can be full of shit. Truth is quiet.
8. As an introvert, and a super sensitive, I understand needing to be alone and have space to process. I have to shut off regularly. But remember that the love of God comes through humans. Stay open. Love big. It is so brave. The way back home is not only within, but through your brothers and sisters.
9. Who you were when you were little, is probably the closest to your authentic nature.
10. Your job is not to save the world, or all the people in it. Save yourself. Lead by example. You’ll inspire others with your vibration.
11. In such a loud and noisy world, in the maze-haze psychology of strategy, I believe that the purist has the most power.
12. Act in accordance with your beliefs, and you will not be conflicted internally.
13. Get quiet enough to know what those beliefs are in the first place, or else you will be running around like an insane person.
14. Let go of everything. See what stays.
15. Let spirit in. See what happens.
16. Let life unfold. Let your intent and vibration guide. Let your actions follow suit in honor.
Trusting yourself, is surrender. Trusting the outcome, is faith. Presence is surrender. Letting go of what may or may not happen, is surrender. Letting go of worry is surrender. I am not saying it’s easy. As a mother who loves my child so unconditionally, often my desire to provide for her overrides my ability to transcend the world of form. But I get better and better at it. There has been a drive within me, and maybe you feel this too as it is a human condition, to work so hard that the bad things of my past never, ever repeat themselves, ever again. For a time, vigilance made me feel so safe. But vigilance has crystalized and now feels harsh. I thank it. I release it.
17. The things that may have served you before, may no longer work in the present. Adapt.
May you stay brave and true.
May you know yourself enough to know when the time is right, to surrender.