As a working mom with a recent... and pretty inconvenient spiritual awakening, I come up against a lot of resistance when it comes to making decisions that I believe will guide me towards my true self and purpose (writing that makes me feel embarrassed). I never shied away from taking heart-based risks in the past, but as my responsibilities grow (I'm married and have a 6yr old daughter) and I get older, I find myself not being able to tell the difference between fear and intuition; if it is fear telling me "no, don't do it" or my intuition's wisdom.
Sorry... my point is, is that sometimes it feels like wishful thinking. Did you ever feel that way?
Thanks for being so real and so magical at the same time!
I am writing this on a Monday, the day after a tear-torn, inward-melting into myself on a Sunday evening, deeply questioning the tight rope walk of single parenting and empowerment pioneering through crystal bed therapy and the craft that I put out to the world. When do we draw the line between what is right for us as women, and what is right for our families as mothers? What does it mean for our children or families when we take soul-powered risks changing the course of the stream? Inherent in the soul lesson of motherhood, is sacrifice. There is great spiritual initiation that comes from loss of freedom, the shattering of layers of ego as you allow the “you” that you’ve known, to die in full service to this beautiful, newly Earth-bound soul in your care and stewardship. We must lead by example, indeed. And every mother should choose for herself what that tightrope walk looks like. There is no right or wrong here.
I will tell you one thing that I do believe: when you make decisions conducive to spiritual purity, that also allow your soul creativity, expansion, and a sense of self-honoring empowerment, everybody wins. Your children learn how to give to themselves and your romantic partner understands through your behavior that you are, most definitely, a Queen, who loves and trust herself. You build up that magnetic energy within. Others will ride with you, or they may fall off as you evolve. But when you choose conscious evolution, I promise you that from a higher perspective--no one loses; no matter what it looks like on Earth (conflict or ease). I chose your question for this particular column, because as women and especially as mothers, the belief in magic and the gusto to make intentional decisions that lead us to our highest alignment is so very, deeply important; and, arguably layered with more consequence as someone who’s decision making affects not just one self, but children who will one day be leaders of society. Your children watch your every move, mirroring your every breath. They will not do what you say, but take on the patterns of your belief systems and actions, whether you like it or not. And it is such a common belief that when you marry and have kids, the magic dies. And that is a load of crap. There are responsibilities, obligations, mortgages and deliverables, but the magic is there. It just looks a little bit different. It's all about perspective.
When I personally come upon “a lot of resistance when it comes to making decisions that I believe will guide me towards my true self and purpose,” I consider how I would want my daughter to tender her soul, as a grown woman. And that very thought, fires me forward. It helps me break through resistance and get straight through to truth. I think, if Helena was in this situation or that situation, what would I tell her to do?
And fuck no, I do not believe your sentiments are wishful! In fact, what is "wishful thinking" but the first step in manifestation? Our actions and decisions as mothers are laying the blueprint for our children’s very vibration. Their vibrations dictate the future of this world. Do I get insecure, frightened, overwhelmed, wondering if I am worthy of these dreams and visions I have? Absolutely. Do I question my choices? Of course I do. Do I think that some of the things I know I would like to do for myself, are akin to wishful thinking? Yes, it is. But I still wish it. I still think it. And any vision, idea, or feeling that stays with me for weeks, for months, is more than an impulse. These are real, valid, know-ings. I use discernment, and my rational mind in combination with my strong intuition and visions. Balance, dear heart! I am often just as strategic and discerning as I am emotional and intuitive.
Three years ago I had a rewarding job in a wonderful community that I loved. I didn’t make much money, but I worked hard and was treated well. I moved back home after a nasty break up with baby daddy and a lot of upheaval to save money and get grounded. I enjoyed working in fitness, but I wanted more. I worked full time as an instructor/trainer during the day, healed part time on the side, while I was completing trainings and studies, and was creating a side e-commerce brand at night, after my daughter went to sleep. Towards the end of my time period at this job, I kept having impulses telling me it was time to go, despite loving what I do and the people I worked with. My side healing-hustle was becoming very powerful and I noticed that what was happening with my clients was, well, beyond me. It was extraordinary. Every time I was on the mic sweating and coaching, as much as it was fun, my gut was telling me that something was off. I didn’t make any decisions for a good 6 weeks to see if this feeling would fade or grow stronger. It only grew stronger. My heartbeat felt a deep call to go back to New York (I moved there when I was 17 and my kiddo was born there). Deep in meditation, I would ask spirit to show me a vision of a map. I looked at New York City and it would light up in fireworks. I asked about some other cities and none of them had as much energy or light as NYC. I tested this in meditation over and over. LA? Colorado? I saw a crystal over NYC. I saw visions of Helena and I in Brooklyn. The message was very clear.
I consulted mentors. I went over cash flow. I looked at my little girl and thought, “How in the world am I to do this with her? You want me to quit my job, with very little savings, pack up my car and drive across the country to become some crystal witch in New York City when no one has even heard of this work and I have no network there, or safety net, medical insurance, or a back up job lined up… that’s what you want me to do? Right now? Just mother-fucking wing it?“
“Yes,” Spirit said.
The idea both terrified and thrilled me. No one did what I do, up there. I saw John of God beds, but I didn’t see any indication that the operators of what few beds there were, had the training or skill set that I did. They didn’t have my bed model, my crystal sound bowls, or my swagger (wink wink). I did not have enough money to last more than a few months. I guess I was just testing the waters.
But there was a pulse that I could not ignore. I just couldn’t.
Not many rational single mothers would do what I did. I know that. I couldn’t bring her with me either. I can’t explain to you the guilt, anguish and sorrow that came with leaving her in TX after some very traumatic years together. I felt selfish. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t provide enough money to have her with me. And I had no fucking clue if this was even going to work. But I thought maybe, just maybe, if I got this right, it would pay off for us both. That was my deepest hope. I found a room in someone’s wellness clinic for my crystal bed. I found a couple roomates and moved into a place in Lefferts Gardens. I prayed every day. I cried often. I lived on protein bars and cursed the mice crawling through my quarters wondering when I would get to see my daughter again. Does she know that everything I do is for her? Will she understand? Is she proud of me? Am I instilling bravery or abandonment? I couldn’t answer those questions at the time. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other and pray to God I wasn't fucking up.
But I guess that is the thing about working through resistance. It's a practice. Eventually you don't care about whether you fuck up or succeed. It's about just simply doing the most right thing in the moment.
The final factor in deciding to move, yet again, was imagining this scenario: What if Helena was a 27 year old single mother who never got to do the things most young folks do, and had a rough time of it. What if Helena was living with me and I was the grandmother. Would I tell her to stuff her intuitive drive and just find a salary with benefits? Or would I take charge of the baby, tell her to be brave, work her ass off and follow her heart if only, for this one temporary moment?
What would you tell your 6 year old girl, if she were in your shoes now?
The answer was so clear to me. In no way, ever, as a mother, as a female, would I encourage someone to ignore the inner workings of their heart, drive and intuition. I will always tell her to take the sword and go forth. I would tell her life is so precious and short and I would rather die having tried and lost than never opening up to the possibility because of fear or resistance.
Was my crystal career just a bunch of wishful thinking? Am I going to waste what little money I have chasing some intuitive desire that doesn’t even belong to my individual personality, and yet emanates from my soul? Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell. Even if I turn out to be a financial failure, the inherent lessons will be well worth the journey I have taken. By watching me work, take risks, and follow my heart, Helena will be brave. She will be powerful. I am not worried about her for one second. She speaks her mind. She is rational and discerning while soft and empathetic. And I know she is so deeply proud of me. The impulse to move back to the city with my work was like being driven by a force beyond my cognitive understanding. There is a part of me who knew exactly what she was doing, driving on, driving forward. And another part going, “God dammit woman you are fucking crazy! Go get a real job and some medical insurance and start saving up! Fool.” Maybe I am a fool. But I am a hard working and brave one and I am the type of person who trusts the will of my soul.
The reason I always do this, is because I know that is God’s will. God’s will knows no fear. And despite resistance, despite the ego's fear, inherent in the action step of moving forward, is trust. And trusting is so deeply brave. I will always remember that Latin proverb: Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat (fortune favors the bold). For some reason that has been a mantra of mine since I was 19.
I remember sitting in my ill lit office, an empty healing room with my crystal bed. I knew no one. I spoke to the crystals. I did meditative, vibrational spells. I prayed to every angel, master, God, deity, and spirit I could think of. I spoke to the trees and the wind. I told them I was here. I offered everything on a sliding scale. I did every ground up marketing tactic I could. I lost money. I made mistakes. I sat in deep meditation all day in my office to create the vibration in a space that would attract the right people.
And then something fucking rad happened.
Parker Posey walks in the door. She was maybe my third client. She probably doesn’t know this, but her appearance in my world helped me keep going, emotionally and logistically. Someone I looked up at artistically my whole life, came to me, for this weirdo, eccentric service. WTF? She introduced me to someone who is now a dear friend and soul sister, Alex Hayden, who sent so many people and lovingly spread the word of my work. And then influencers, business owners, dear healer friends, media outlets found out. How the hell these people came to me, I do not know. But they had influence and trusted me. The network built, and built, and built.
People would look at the photograph of my daughter in her basketball uniform on the wall of my office and say, “I didn’t know you had a child.” I would explain I was working to get her back with me. Shortly after I moved back, my dog died. She was my angel, best friend, and one good companion. I carried her in the snow to the vet clinic in full tears. And then, everything I owned in storage unit in Austin was ruined by a rat infestation. At the time, this was a very big deal. Devastating. I came with barely any clothing, thinking I would go back to Austin and get my things. I had a couple clients donate used clothing. It was so kind! People would say, “Goodness you look different every time I see you.” Yep! Because I am wearing other peoples clothes, I would think to myself. And hearing Helena’s voice in tears on the phone at night, in pain because she missed her mother, killed me.
The Universe said.
Let go of everything. Money, your things, relationships of unconditional love. Let go.
And just vibrate, purely. Then, you will know the truth. Do you know who you are, without any of these things?
I learned. Little bits of magic here or there would keep me going. I practiced gratitude like it was going out of style. Thank you for the rats! Those “things” were my past! I focused on the little bits of magic. Magic was the universe communicating to me that I was on the right track, despite resistance that came my way.
My clients were deeply grateful. And I felt strong alignment in the work. I was able to find a job on film sets while I built myself. I continued working on the e-commerce brand, and eventually got my daughter up here.
My point in sharing all of this, is that making intuitive, heartfelt decisions does not necessarily negate challenge or external resistance. Good Lord, saying that would be a bunch of bullshit. However, I can promise you that when you move from your heart and not from fear, the lessons inherent to the challenges are the lessons your soul craves in this Earth-school curriculum filled with contrast.
So you see, dear E, when you practice cultivating a spiritual path, not only do you honor yourself. You are part of a movement of people ushering in a new era of consciousness. You create a new vibration within yourself and it echos through your family and into the streets. When you are brave enough to move through resistance, we all win. Resistance just means there is something to work through, you know? When you foster spiritual action within the self, you are a warrior, brave and true. Usually the epic shit doesn't come easy. And I promise you that your spiritual path, is nothing short of epic.
And here is a tip to know if it is intuition or fear: look at either physical contraction or physical expansion, when you compare two choices.
-Let’s say you have choice A and choice B.
-Go into meditation.
-Take at least 7 minutes to allow yourself a calm space.
-Then picture choice A.
-Does your body expand or contract?
-Do you feel light or heavy?
-Now do the same with choice B.
If you cannot get an answer, either you have not learned to quiet your mind enough to hear the voice of your soul, or the information simply is not in yet. Even for the best of the best, some things are meant to stay unknown.
There is deep beauty in mystery.
Let the issue go, and revisit again in one week. Then two weeks. You will notice a pattern of bodily and emotional expansion with an air of lightness, when you are on target intuitively.
Practice working with your intuition over simple things like, sushi vs fish tacos, or red blouse vs blue blouse. Practice listening to your soul through meditation and stillness. I used to meditate with a 3 year old slapping my face. Oh boy...maybe with kids, meditation looks different. I can tell you as a mother, your spiritual practice will look different. Get used to it. Finding time for a spiritual practice can be difficult, but, eh, what the fuck ever. It’s still yours. Own it. Make time where you can. Be gentle with yourself when you simply can't. It's ok. Life is yoga. It's all a practice whether a 6-year-old is throwing spaghetti at your face mimicking you saying "god dammit" while you are on a conference call for for, or whether you are in lotus pose in your meditation group. Make a contract with your body. Say, “Beautiful cells I will heed your ancient wisdom. Dear heart I am on your side! We are in this together. I hear you.”
I look in the mirror so often and tell myself I am forgiven, for all my mistakes I am forgiven and that I am worthy of my heart’s calling. I can trust myself because I trust my boundaries, wisdom and intuition. And I know my line. I promise myself I will make changes when my tightrope walk is out of balance. Sometimes I can be stubborn and strong willed, and don't realize when I am out of balance from hyper-focusing on something, or just trying to keep it together until it's too late, and I am spent. I am still working on it. I am still learning. My life isn’t still and calm. But it so deeply rich. God damn, it is rich, sister.
We cannot ask for 24/7 peace. Not unless we join the monastery, which, believe me, I have considered a thousand times. We cannot ask for 24/7 perfection, or glory, or smooth sailing. But you can 100% count on the richness of experience when you listen to the deep, conscious wisdom of your intuition and your heart.
And I promise you, oh how I tear up when I type these words, I promise you, your daughter will learn grace.
It is my hope that this letter serves you well. Thank you for writing me and trusting me with your sacred question. I believe in you.
And I know you will make decisions that cause your soul to expand.