This week I am overwhelmed. Last week I was overwhelmed. Despite trimming the fat, self care regiments, supplements, a strict diet, spiritual ritual, and regular crystal bed sessions, life coaching, and acupuncture. Despite incredible friends. Despite a loving and supportive family. Despite enriching and meaningful work with depth, creativity, and expansion.Yesterday was in a negotiation battle with my developer who was using very condescending language and blaming any issue I had on me (bye Felicia), I am redo-ing both websites, installing a giant copper pyramid above the crystal bed, trying to hire a personal assistant, planning out of town events, preparing to take my kiddo away for vacation, preparing marketing plans, creating yearly budgets & my to do list haunts me. I am at peace with it. At times, everything can become overwhelming. Every day I fold into myself, opening space for more neutrality and expansion. But how do we know how powerful we really are, unless we experience these moments that test our endurance?
Today my computer is crashing. I couldn’t’ sleep last night. This morning I was tired and rushed. I dropped my glass coffee pot, sliced my hand in two places and the there was blood mixed with shattered glass everywhere, of course on a day I have to do manual labor with the office installation. The Late nights & Single-mama-ing. After I got Helena to school late, I was sitting on the floor cleaning up glass and blood, rushing before a call with a PR person.
I looked around, and just said FUCK.
Then my sister texted me a quote. “The purpose of a goal is not to achieve it, but who you become to achieve it.”
I remember saying to myself years ago, I want to be the type of person who can bring this type of healing to New York. I want to be the type of person who can live my dreams, contribute, and be a present mother. I want to be the type of person who can see an idea and make it come to life. I don’t care if I am successful or not. I want to create, bring things to life. I want to be the person who does not limit herself because of circumstance, lack of money, lack of resources or support. Contributing to the evolution of humanitarian consciousness is non-negotiable. My health is non-negotiable. My creative expansion is non-negotiable. My autonomy as an entrepreneur, is non-negotiable. Being present as a mom and a strong role model, is non-negotiable. Tall order. But I am a tall woman. Things may be a mess. There may be broken glass, blood, fights, and frustrations. It may take longer than I thought. But when I read that quote I remembered the point: becoming.
I became the woman I saw in the vision 3 years ago. I am still becoming. I am always becoming. Goals are for growth. Not the accumulation of things.